You Might Be A Mommy If...

your home is frequented by visits from two invisible children.  I have not had the chance to personally meet them, but my children are apparently on a first name basis with them. 

They go by the names of Not me and I don't know. 

If you happen to see them, please let them know that there are a few things I'd really like to discuss with them. 

You Might Be A Mommy If...

You have ever considered paying good money for time alone in the bathroom.



Because I've thought about it. Oh, I've thought about it. I think I've even gone as high as $100 in my head.

I can probably count on one hand the number of times in a year that I'm able to be in a bathroom by myself or without any interruption. And after conducting lengthy interviews, I understand it's epidemic.

I enjoy my kids. I also enjoy a nice, hot shower. And there are plenty of days that it seems like it's going to take an act of Congress to even get one. Of course, since I'm the only one who has any special interest in it, I'd probably still be waiting. So, getting to take a shower without anyone banging on the door or shouting questions would be heavenly. Just heavenly.

Even trying to use the facilities, ahem, does not seem to go under the radar. No one told me that as a mother I'd eventually be able to competently use the toilet while holding (possibly even nursing) a baby. Something that won't get me into the Olympics, but that I think takes real talent. *grin*

I guess it just makes me all the more grateful for the times it does occur. It's all about the little things, you know.

You Might Be A Mommy If...

You have ever picked someone else's nose.

Please tell me this is the only time and reason you have or will ever pick anyone else's nose. No, don't tell me. I do not want to know. I have a bubble that I do not want popped.

We had two little noses that needed attention this week. And that means only one thing, sudden and immediate torture...

by nasal aspirator. A seemingly innocent tool in every prepared mother's arsenal. Innocent until you actually have to use it to fend off all things green and sticky.

I can't use this thing without feeling like I'm going to suck out all sorts of other things with the original offender. Specifically, the brain. An eyeball, maybe. Perhaps some intestines. And I have this feeling Abigail doesn't exactly care for it either. We'll have to chalk it up as a necessary evil. Much like the re*ctal thermometer.

But we won't go there. Remember that bubble I mentioned earlier?

As I've been using this device of nasal torture, I've been wondering what it feels like to be on the recipient's side. But, it scares me. You know, the whole brain sucking thing and all.

So, I leave you with my bubble and brain still intact.

Hey, no comments about the brain. Respect the bubble.

You Might Be A Mommy If...

the thought of cleaning under the couch makes you shudder.

You never know what treaures you're going to find. Crayons. A quarter. A matchbox car. A puzzle piece that's been missing for a week. Dust bunnies. UFOs.

UFOs? You know, as in Unidentifiable Food Objects. Which of course has its own five food groups. Crunchy, Sticky, Stale, Mushy, and "I don't even want to know".

You Might Be A Mommy If...

You channel Captain Kirk (from Star Trek) and boldly go where no man, or woman, has gone before...i.e. putting your nose to a child's bottom.


What is it about having a child that suddenly makes well-educated people begin to smell someone else's rear end? Ew. Is it because they are so small and cute? That doesn't change the way their poop smells. Is it because they are of our flesh and blood? Why?

With three children now, I'm still not used to seeing this sniffing ritual performed by so many parents. And I know when I've done it, it happens so quick I cannot believe I just did it. Like an instinct or something. Some disturbing parental instinct. So here's to "Eau de Bowels" and its power over us...bottom's up.

You Might Be A Mommy If...

You have ever felt a common bond with the milking cow.

No, I'm not developing a new approach to evolution. No, not because of size, I said milking cow, thank you very much. :) Some days I feel like I could supply half our town with milk. Food shortage in the world, no problem. Send the little ones to Mama Jo's, she'll nourish them.

And seriously, could we design a pump that didn't make you feel like you should be in a stall and mooing? :) Don't get me wrong, I love my Medela pump, we've been through a lot together, but it makes me feel like, well, a cow. Maybe I should just go by "Bessy" for the next year or so...

(Sorry in advance to any Bessy that may stumble across this one day.)

You Might Be A Mommy If...

You have ever seen a shoelace evolve into a gun.

No, we don't really encourage the gun thing so much in our family, but like every mother of boys I pretty much talk to, it just happens. And I mean come on, a shoelace, you gotta give points for creativity.

You Might Be A Mommy If...

You find yourself inspecting things that you typically would not dare go near.

And what could possibly have this fearless mother cowering in a corner - a belly button, folks! You know, there is nothing cute whatsoever about that remaining piece of umbilical cord attached to your precious baby! It's probably the one and only thing not completely adorable about a little one. I don't think I will ever not be completely grossed out by it as it hits its final farewell stage. Ewww...and good riddance!

You Might Be A Mommy If...

Having someone else's throw up on you doesn't phase you all that much. Although, I personally find that the older they get, the grosser it gets! :)

You Might Be A Mommy If...

Someone using the potty causes you to clap your hands and have great hope for the future. :)

You Might Be A Mommy If...

* A trip to Wal-Mart by yourself actually feels like a treat.

* On above mentioned trip, you receive two calls on your cell phone before you have even parked your car at the store. ;)